Dial U for Undead
by Kaiju Alpha
Summary: In a botched attempt in resurrecting Mari's goldfish, Asuka accidentally awakens an army of the undead. (Lovingly ripped off from The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror)


_Yet another parody (and by parody I mean semi-ripoff) of another Treehouse of Horror classic starring the Evangelion cast. Again, like before I don't own Evangelion and I don't own the Simpsons_.

"And from 'A' Alligator to 'Z' Zebra, _Easy-Peasy_ _Alphabet Pop-Book_ is twenty-six pages of alphabetic fun and excitement." Asuka read as she wrote her book report much to Shinji's puzzlement.

"Asuka, you cannot be seriously thinking about writing a report on a book meant for one-year-olds." he told her.

The Red-head shrugged, "Hey, if it's worth an easy 'A' then yep."

Shinji sighed, "Asuka, I don't think that's how it works. Find _another_ book."

As soon as he said that, Asuka groaned and headed out for the library. That night, Asuka had found another book meant for kids. Granted it was for older kids, but still.

"Okay, Waldo, let's see if I can find you." the German-Japanese muttered. As soon as she opened the page, she found Waldo standing on a Hawaiian beach wearing a tropical shirt as opposed to his white/red striped closed.

"Wow, that required no difficulty whatsoever. What happened to the days they at least gave a crap about trying?" she groaned. Asuka looked around until she spotted something she never noticed before: a section of the library labelled "Accursed" decorated with statues of gothic creatures and imagery.

"Wonder how long that's been there." the girl pondered as she walked into the section. Inside, it looked more like the interior of a gothic castle and it was so dark she had to hold an actual torch that rested on the wall to her left. On all the shelves, the numbers "666" were decorated in blood (or it could have been bright red ink or paint). Suddenly, Asuka got hid in the head with something heavy. "OW! _Okay, was schiesse-kopf warf dass_?" she yelled in German, rubbing the back of her head. She looked down and saw a particularly heavy-looking book with a red cover and a four eyed skull titled _Tome of Arcane Arts and Dark Magick Spelles_. She opened the cover only to have ghostly faces wailing out, "Bewaaare! Bewaaare! Eviill! Eviiil!"

"Wundabar!" Asuka proclaimed before she closed it only to have the spirits yell out, "Ow! Son of a Biiiitch! Son of a Biiiitch! That Smaaarts! That SMAAAARTS!"

That night, back at the Katsuragi-Ikari-Sohyru residence, Asuka was reading her new book while Shinji cooked. "Okay, chapter eight: Zombies for Nincompoops. If a zombie bites you, you become a zombie. If a zombie scratches you, you become a zombie. If a you marry a zombie and he or she is your cousin, you won't become a zombie but there is a strong possibility of you being a redneck. If you do become a zombie, you'll spend your entire unlife feeding upon living brains until the spell is cancelled."

"Zombies! Sweet!" Mari Makinami popped her head through the window, startling Asuka and Shinji.

"Mari, you almost gave Shinji a heart-attack!" Asuka yelled, "Besides, what are you doing here?"

Mari shrugged, "Eh, it's just the anniversary of my deceased goldfish and I decided why not take a walk and visit the Princess and her Puppy-boy?"

"Dead goldfish? I think this book has a spell for bringing things back from the dead. What was your fish's name?" Asuka asked.

"Actually I had two fish and they were named Vinegar and Chip."

Asuka gave her bespectacled friend a weird look and wondered why anyone would name their fish after a type of meal served in London and began to look through her book. "Okay, let's see what we got here. Keeping your skeletons white and pearly, nope. Selling away your soul for the highest bidder, nope. Contacting demons from the Nether-Realm, nope. Ah, here's something. Raising the Dead in Three Easy Steps." Asuka came across. Suddenly, evil laughter filled the air and lightning split the sky.

The Eva pilots looked around for the source of the evil laugh. The lightning was no brainer, it was supposed to rain tonight anyway. After dinner, Shinji, Mari and Asuka entered the Tokyo-03 pet cemetery. They wandered around for a bit until they came across the grave for Mari's fish.

"Okay, it says here, in order to give life to the dead you must read these arcane words." Asuka read. She then got to reading. "Oongawa! Yo momma dun take no showah and she stank!" Lightning struck but not in the pet cemetery. Instead, it struck in the real cemetery, as the tombs and grounds started to open and the sound of inhuman moaning broke the skies, unbeknowest to the Third, Second and Problem Children.

"Hmm, that didn't work, maybe I should try another one. I am Sofa King We Todd Ed!" Asuka chanted. Shinji turned his head to see something that made his blood chill. "Uh, girls."

Not hearing what he said, Mari put her head down in mourning and touched the ground where her beloved dead fish lay buried. "I guess it didn't work."

"Girls."

Asuka comfortingly put her hand on her friend. "Ah, don't worry, Mari, at least we tried."

"GIRLS!"

Asuka groaned, "What is it, Shinji!?"

The girls looked ahead only to see a horde of shuffling zombies.

"I think you cast the wrong spell, Asuka! You've just summoned an army of zombies!"

Asuka looked at her book, "Actually, it says here calling the undead 'zombies' is deemed offensive to them. They like to be called 'living impaired', 'walking dead', 'soulless corpses', 'reanimated carcasses', 'lurkers','roamers', 'munchers'-"

"WHO CARES WHAT THEY LIKED TO BE CALLED? LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE!" Shinji screamed. Asuka looked at their situation. "Erm... good point." With that, the three children ran screaming away from the undead.

Meanwhile, Kaworu Nagisa lay on his back looking at the sky. "Ah, what a beautiful night. The stars are shining, the moon is like a jewel, the crickets are chirping, the fireflies are casting their glow, there's zombies walking around." The red-eyed boy backtracked, "Wait, zombies?" True to his eyes, there was a horde of zombies moaning and shuffling around. The Angel shrugged and went back to admiring the night sky. Meanwhile, at NERV HQ, Gendo couldn't help but wonder why Fuyutsuki seemed a bit clammier than usual, that is until his former sensei lunged at him.

Asuka, Shinji and Mari burst into Misato's apartment, panting. "Oh, there you are." Misato greeted them, sitting in front of the TV clad in her underwear with Kaji next to her, "Hey, Mari."

Shinji found his voice and spoke, "Misato, there's a situation and we were kinda the cause of it."

Misato frowned, "Did you wreck the car?"

"No." Shinji shook his head.

"Did Mari wreck the car?"

"No."

"Did Asuka wreck the car?"

"No."

"Did you raise an army of the undead?"

"Um, yes."

"But the car-"

Shinji growled in frustration, "NO! THE CAR IS FINE!"

Misato paused before shrugging and drinking her beer.

Meanwhile, back at NERV HQ, Shigeru was working until Ritsuko's voice rang out among the speakers. "Aoba, could you report to me? I believe it's time for your brain inspection." The sound of her licking lips followed soon after. At the same time a newscaster was speaking about the current events until a pack of zombies dogpiled him as the sound of tearing flesh and screams of agony filled the screen. At the Katsuragi apartment, Kaji, Shinji, Mari and Asuka were busy barricading the windows only to notice Misato just sitting around.

"Misato, please don't tell me you forgot to barricade the door!" Shinji begged.

"Why would I want to do that?" she asked. Suddenly, the door exploded as zombies began flooding in. "Oh yeah, zombies. _That's_ why." With that, everyone screamed and ran into the safe room. Unfortunately, Misato was too late as three zombies grabbed her. "Oh, no! Zombies! What ever shall I do?" the Major cried out just before she whipped out her pistol and blasted them. She turned to the other zombies and growled, "Anyone else want to fill their shoes so to speak?" The zombies yelped and retreated. Misato spun her pistol around before sticking it in her underwear like a holster. "Yeah, thought so." She then went into the safe room (or rather Asuka's room) where the red-head moped. "Wow, all this because I thought dabbling in the arcane would be fun. This wouldn't have happened if Shinji never told me I couldn't write a report on a children's pop-up book!"

Shinji rose an eyebrow, "Oh, _my_ fault? Maybe if you didn't read that stupid book in the first place this wouldn't have happened!"

Kaji separated the two. "Shinji, Asuka, playing the blame game isn't going to make our situation any better."

Asuka sighed, "Maybe you're right. Besides, we all know it's Mari's fault for having us try and use that spell in the first place!"

Kaji narrowed his eyes at the teenager causing her to back off.

"Wait a minute!" Shinji piped up, "Maybe there's a book at the library that will counteract the spell!"

Kaji pondered, "Well, it's worth a shot."

Misato stood up, dressed in her trademark red jacket, gun in one hand and ammo cartridges in another. "To the library we go!"

With that, Mari, Asuka, Shinji, Misato and Kaji snuck to the Renault, Misato taking lead. As soon as they reached the car, they saw a zombie Gendo waiting for them. "Hello, Third Child. I'm feeling terribly hungry. How about I chew on your ear." he growled.

Shinji immediately grabbed Misato's gun and fired repeatedly at his father. "Nice shooting at Zombie Gendo, Shinji." Misato complimented.

Shinji rose an eyebrow. "Wait, he was a zombie?"

On the way to the library, the drivers listened to the radio that had been taken over by zombies while the Ritsuko's severed head was being kicked around by Zombie Maya, Makoto and Aoi much to her complaining. Meanwhile on the moon, Lilith and Adam watched these events unfold.

"See, this is what happens when our children mess with things they shouldn't." Lilith told Adam. " _Your_ children. Not mine."

The way to the library was flooded with zombies while Misato shot at them. Suddenly, one zombie was jumped by Pen-Pen who started tearing it to shreds.

"NO! Pen-Pen, they got you too?" Misato cried out.

The penguin looked at his master and blinked before digging into his meal. "Oh right, I forgot to give him breakfast this morning."

Misato then saw a zombie Hirohito emerge from the corner only for her to blast him in the head. She did the same to a zombified Miyamoto Musashi. Then she pistol-whipped Zombie Oda Nobunaga who muttered, "I come back from the dead after more than four hundred years and this is what I get?"

Meanwhile, Shinji, Asuka and Mari when into the Accursed section where Asuka found a book similar to the one she checked out. Mari and Shinji stood on guard as Asuka skimmed through the pages.

"Here's something!" she cried.

"Well, you'd better hurry, Princess! I don't think those doors are gonna hold!" Mari replied.

Asuka then began to read, "Hooblag. Sploop. Splort. Kabloop!"

There was a squishing sound next to her. Shinji and Asuka looked to notice Mari had been transformed into a puddle of a thick orange jelly-like ooze with an outline of her face, causing them to yelp.

"What?" the Mari blob gurgled.

"Oh, nothing much," Shinji lied, "You just look so beautiful tonight."

Mari's gelatinous cheeks brightened with a blush. "Aw, thanks, Puppy boy. By the way did you get taller?"

Shinji whispered to Asuka, "Better change her back before she finds out she's a pile of goop."

"I'm working on it." Asuka replied before she began to read, "Klaatu! Berada! NIKTO!"

With that a wave of light erupted from the book, causing the zombies to retreat and Mari to reform into her normal self. With that, the zombies said their goodbyes like people getting out of their jobs and returned to their graves.

"The zombies that attacked last night have been reverted into rotting corpses in the streets. In other news..." the newscaster droned until Misato changed the channel. "Well, glad none of _us_ got turned into zombies." Kaji proclaimed as he, Asuka, Shinji, Misato and Mari sat in front of the TV.

"Shhh," Shinji droned, "Watching TV."

There was a thump then canned laughter.

"Man fall on face." Asuka moaned.

"That so funny." Misato groaned.

"Haaa. Haaa. Haaa." Asuka, Shinji and Misato's laughter sounded like moaning zombies.

Mari's face scrunched up. "Why do I feel like I was a pile of jelly?" she asked.

The End.


End file.
